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Thursday, January 25th, 2001
4:54 am - after a long uneventful vacation; im back
I just got done reading all my past entries. ::giggles:: Im laughing at myself thank you. I bitch and moan about the most ridiculous things and well at the time they were so important. Cracks me up. I think I need to lighten the fuck up. And Im a hipocrit. I rave about how I don't want to be labled mentally ill; yet that is all I speak of. Today does suck; only cause I have strept throat; otherwise; life sucks still; but not as badly; lol. "Im not exactly a bundle of joy Melvin" (girl interupted) Lots of things made me smile today, cartoon network; mtv2rock; thinking of Nothing; Talking to josh; cousin; twin; myself, lol. Tom and jerry at 3am when you have medicine head, that makes me smile. Wanted to say howdy to in_the_wrong...forgive my absence. Reading the Celestine Prophecy as of late. Scars seem to heal quicker as of late. Must be all that vitamen E. lol. That wasnt an illegal drug realated joke. Actually I haven't done any drugs besides overindulgence of meds in a good long bit. And yes a good long bit is more than a week.lol. I have been sleeping with a mask someone made me on the pillow next to my head. LOL. Its pathetic, but It makes me feel good. Hmmm heres some news...it snowed so instead of making a snowman i made a snow dead woman and the neighborhood kids put upside down male genetalia on her. lol. fools i tell you. makes me smile though. blah blah blah

current mood: giggly

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2000
9:05 pm - long ass time
its been a long ass time since i wrote here. still i have nothing to write.

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2000
5:16 pm
If home is where the heart is; then im heartless here in NJ. Sometimes those signs that say, if you lived here , you would be home, they make me sad. Now a days` they don't because i mean if i wanted to live there i would, point being i don't. I know where I belong. I'm not sure if I'm truly wanted anywhere. but i know where i want to be so im going there to be with someone who wants me.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, September 19th, 2000
8:21 pm - I am spartacus
right now im happy. so im posting this shit since its once in a life time im not sure why im happy but i cherish these moments

current mood: happy

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Monday, September 18th, 2000
4:15 am
Sadly to say that I am in need of urgent psychiatric care. This has been the case since 1995 when I attempted suicide by downing 30 Pills of Paxil with vodka, and slicing my arms. Unfortunately being high for 2 weeks and dealing with asinine people at charter fairmount institution in PA were my only outcomes. I had given up finding help along time ago, but have recently decided that I have crossed any and all lines of sanity. And I must address any and all who think it is "cool" to be crazy...its not fun when you cant control the dementia creeping through your skull. And please don't im me and ask me to talk to you about it, it wont help, talking only brings things up and makes me worse. I am merely declaring Insanity in this *P

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, September 10th, 2000
6:43 pm
Greetings and salutations people of today. I'm watching a most horrible movie, The king and I, cartoon, its funny though, lol. To anyone who hasn't had sex on the beach try it, and i mean the kind that goes in your mouth, lol. Its an angelic taste I do declare. I, me , of Louisiana Of America do declare, simply, shit. The song I wish to be played at my funeral is "staying alive" followed by the hamster dance song. So anyone who will be attending, not for another 50 years i hope, prepare to dance and slap your knee, for a funeral is a celebration of live, not a mourning of death.

current mood: dorky

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Friday, September 8th, 2000
9:41 pm
Instead of editing my previous Journal entry,< I am against editing > I will just revise, I didn't mean " my bitch", I do not have a bitch, I meant listen to me bitch. I didn't want anyone to think I was a Ma damn or an orange Jump suit Junky (jail bird), lol. So I'm glad that's all cleared up.

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9:38 pm
A few minutes ago, I was sitting here at this computer about to type these very words, and out of nowhere I smelled peppermint...Now this puzzles me, I am home alone and the windows are closed. Maybe it was a ghost. My peppermint ghost, wonderful, lol, well hopefully he will make friends with my already existent ghost, Johnny. My Broken ankle hurts today, I tore up a good many of my notebooks containing old poems and stories, saved the ones I liked, I plan to compile them all into one huge notebook. Organized , they are not, but separated they will be. Last night was very bad for me, I was weak, and almost indulged in certain deadly substances , so I would like to thank the ear of the person who listened to my bitch and the lips and heart of the same person who convinced me not to indulge, RedTurtle, All my love to you good sir.
**eve.

current mood: drained

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1:21 am - Educate your ass, ahem your mind.
Awwwwwww Look!!!!!

the little freak is discovering HTML

Aint she so special , edcuatin` her mind an all` heeeyup!

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1:07 am - Qua?
Oh where oh where did my

Sanity

go?

Here?.....
Nope...nope...not here....maybe its over here....

Damn! Not here either.

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12:08 am
If I had one wish right now it would be to have to courage to fucking off myself.

current mood: crazy

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Thursday, September 7th, 2000
7:38 pm - And now I am so happy, I do the dance of Joy...Didididididi
IM happy as hell today, OCD....Bipolar Disorder much...suicidal/Elated..up and down and up and down. Anyway, just thought I would explain the strange mood swings. Im just so in love with Blaine and right now we are far apart, but I am talking to him on the phone right now. I adore him, other men, suck! lol. Familys are annoying; friends are a pain; love sucks ass, but I can't live without it. I guess I can't help but be Mentally sick and depressed all of the time, but these moments make me happy as hell. I love him forever.

current mood: enthralled

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Wednesday, September 6th, 2000
12:23 am - Marriage...the devils work I tell you...
Why is it that I cannot ask a simple question about drugs without being belittled in front of people about it? I hate asinine men. No offense to the ones who are true an genuine good folk. If I want to kill myself, no one is going to stand in my way. Granted, I do not want to die. I have too much to live for. AHHHhh, who cares right?! Right!

current mood: annoyed

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Tuesday, September 5th, 2000
12:14 am
help me help me help me help me help me help me help me nevermind don't

current mood: numb

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Monday, September 4th, 2000
11:55 pm
i wish i were dead. i wish i had the fucking gall to kill myself. sadly, im chicken shit. im sick of being sick. im sick of certain people making me sick. im sick of being away from the only person who loves me. i just want to have the courage for one moment, specifically the moment where the loaded glock is in my hands. Then i wont have to be so pathetic.

current mood: enraged

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6:32 pm
Suicide anyone?
all in favor say "ay"
:::trip trop trip trop::::
A horse and buggy just pulled up to my front step
the tall elegant man clad in black offers me his hand
I step back and take in my surroundings,
and realize how anxious I've been to leave this land.
As we pull away with me like Cinderella in a stormy fairy-tale
I pulled aside the curtain on my carriage to yell:
"This is not my home,
you are not my family,
I'm leaving you now,
you can no longer have me."
No one seemed to notice
No one seemed to care.
They only turned their backs and walked away
with glances here and there.
~(c) 1.9.7.9.

current mood: depressed

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5:12 pm
To all who care; I have had a revalation.
I have quit using any and all drugs; except medications.
Be Proud; I know I am.

current mood: cheerful

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Sunday, September 3rd, 2000
3:05 am
Independently wealthy; well educated; and totally insane

" If John Doe's head should open up , and a UFO flew out......
I want you to have expected it." Det. Somerset; Morgan Freeman; *seven

current mood: amused

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3:00 am
The sudden sound of simple Insanity creeping up behind your mind,
is fucking disturbing.
All that shields you from the pain and struggle is a thin, moth eaten curtain.
The curtain pulls short of your eyes,
Letting you see your potential.
But it pulls tight around your hands,
Never letting you grasp it.
So swallow your pride.
Beg for your forgiveness.
You deserve it.
You deserve a slap on the wrist; a kick in the shins; a hammer to the skull;
To be swallowed whole by the red sensual mouth of your most cherished lover.
~(c) 1.9.7.9.
Inspired by the film *Seven

current mood: numb

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2:51 am
When I leave
Carry my soul with you
Hold it close to your heart
Know that your the only one'
I have ever loved.
Know that no matter where I am
I am always with you~
Dedicated to Nothing*
~(c) 1.9.7.9.

current mood: stressed

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